Because I nod while listening to you, say 'Fair Enough', and then go ahead and tell you the REAL way of doing things

You remember that annoying guy in your MBA class who just had had had to have his views heard in class? Except they weren’t really his views, just the teacher’s views reworded?

Remember that rather prim-and-proper female in your last competitive Group Discussion, who sweetly opened the forum by introducing the topic? And then listened? And summarized everyone’s points, just a little more prettily in the end, and concluded them as her own?

Remember that know-it-all, who loved to give you advice? Truthfully, you were going to make that choice anyway. He was just the guy who kicked you from behind as you dilly-dallied on the diving board at your rather-scream-inducing-scary-deep swimming pool.

Fast forward a few years, some sexy hair straightenings and cuts, a few rather well tailored suits, and there you have her/him – a Consultant.

Now, I have had the fortune of working with consultants. Err, actually, I am a consultant.

And to be rather frank, as much as you might abuse me, and however redundant I might be to your actual value chain, I do love being the one who delivers that final painful kick to your not-so-well-shaped behind and sends you tumbling into the dark waters. Or even better, you pay me, to tell you exactly what you’re doing wrong. My pleasure, dear Sir.

*End of boasting*

Because, well, let’s face it, there’s a reason the net is full of consultant jokes.

And well, you know you’re a consultant, when:

• Your wardrobe looks like a Van Heusen/Louis Philippe showroom
• Your biggest joy of the day was conjuring the most complicated IF function in your excel sheet
• Your emails to friends contain tables
• You love bullet points
• Your ketchup bottle has a minimum-level mark for the next bottle to be bought
• You find it easier to write a report than to read one
• You’re the preferred secret keeper. Because, let’s face it, you know everything about everybody, you just can’t say it.
• When your girlfriend puts on her best slutty look and coyly tells you she’ll make it up to you, you ask her to put it on email
• You have nightmares about forgetting to file your time sheet…again.
• You ask for bills for…everything that the client might remotely agree to pay for.
• You have a frequent-flier card for all the major airlines, and enough points for lounge access, and a bank balance which doesn't necessarily reflect the same
• Your whole team has a Blackberry
• Everything you say has a mental (*Conditions Apply) in the end
• You add a ‘contingency expense’ column with a ten per cent buffer to all your holiday plan excel sheets
• Oh, you have a holiday plan excel sheet
• Actually, you have an excel sheet for…everything
• You mentally audit literally everything in your life…the long queue at the petrol pump…the inefficient service line at your favourite restaurant…the possible cost saving which can be implemented by your flatmate…a possible time saving in your Mum’s cooking regime in the kitchen…the system for timely replacement of toilet paper at your office….
• And well, let’s face it, you can pfaff your way out of tough spots

That said, this might be a good time to mention that I have frankly met some of the most intelligent/impressive people in my current office. So just in case you are from my company, and know me, you’re probably that awesome person who inspires me each day to come to office, find faults with others, and mail it to them in the most amazingly beautiful excel sheets.

*End of ass-kissing-in-case-you-think-of-firing-me-for-this*

So. Not. Joking.